Change

A few years ago, when I was still in business school, I read a handout for a class project and one section really caught my attention.  It had a section called “Understanding Change.”[1]  It said, “When change occurs something ends.  Endings are associated with feelings of loss.

That “Loss” is Stage One.  “The feelings of loss can be over loss of: identity, security, belonging, predictability, control, plans for the future, etc

If you have ever had a really big break-up, unless you never jump ship until you find another, you can relate.  With a few exceptions, most women I know, including myself, have rarely handled relationship endings stoically, setting sail without carrying at least a little sadness/regret/uncertainty in our wake.  This “loss” bit, appearing in black-and-white, very matter-of-factly in an academic handout intrigued me.

Stage Two is Resistance.  “Resistance takes several forms such as denial, apprehension, anxiety, anger, withdrawal, fear or confusion,” it continued.

No kidding!

Next, it says, “Resitance gives way to Exploration.”

Huh.  Go on.

In this Stage Three, Exploration, “possibilities and probabilities for success in the changing environment are considered.  There is generally growing confidence that change might actually be achievable.”

Exactly!  “That jives perfectly with my current writing project (i.e. the Martini manuscript),” I thought.

Stage Four, according to this handout is Commitment.  “Commitment is often the end result of exploring possibilities and options,” it says.  “The vision for the department/organization is viewed as credible and viable and is embraced.  People identify ways they can contribute.  Commitment is embraced.”

The section ends with this, “Generally people progress through the change stages sequentially over time.  They may move back and forth between the stages depending on specific situations.”

Back-up.

We are in Stage Three, the “Exploratory” phase.  You may have been single for all or most of your adult life, you may have been here for a while and you may be a fresh arrival, kicking and screaming.  Whatever our past and our future intentions may be, those times are not here and we are, and I want us to appreciate our delicious now as much as we can.

For now, our prerogative is to be our most glorious self, treat others and ourselves well, laugh as often as possible and trust that everything will fall into place.

When we are older, I want all of us to be at least a little smug knowing that we exhausted ourselves enjoying single life for whatever we made of it.  I want us to know that whichever man we married or whatever choices we made, we made them because that choice was more compelling than any of the lovely, wicked, life-changing or legendary things we experienced as single adult women.

That does not mean we should be cocky with our friends who got married quite young or arrogant with our friends whose marriage has already not worked.  Absolutely not.

It does mean that I want us to be exactly like that woman we all met at our grandparents’ parties.  The one who never really said much and always looked so put-together, but you can tell she had some stories that would shock three out of any five people in their group for one reason or another.

This blog is a celebration of her, us and now.  In the US today, about one in every four women is between ages 20-40.[2]  Over 50 percent of us between ages 20-34 have never been married.[3]  Among women ages 35-44, one in every six has never been married.[4]  We are an incredible life force in this world as consumers, breadwinners, decision-makers, muses and nemeses – even if only unto ourselves.  I write all of these entries for us with honesty and love.

Sure, a few of my insights are a little quirky, but there is something universal about each of our experiences.  Although I change some of the names or details where appropriate, the stories are real.

That considered, take the stories and insights on this blog, roll them around in your mind until they become soft and malleable and let them take the shape of your own experience.  Read them, consider them or just laugh at them.  Consider this blog, the people who read it, your loved ones and yourself as your Martini Rescue Squad.

Then hopefully you will start to hear the loud, belly-shaking laughter from the multitudes of us beautiful and strong, sometimes vulnerable and preciously single women. 

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[1] Fojtik, Chic.  “E2B, Education to Business” handout. Graziadio School of Business & Management.  January 2007.

[2] US Census 2006 American Community Survey, from: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/STTable?_bm=y&-geo_id=01000US&-qr_name=ACS_2006_EST_G00_S0101&-ds_name=ACS_2006_EST_G00_&-redoLog=false 

[3] US Census 2006 American Community Survey, from: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/STTable?_bm=y&-geo_id=01000US&-qr_name=ACS_2006_EST_G00_S1201&-ds_name=ACS_2006_EST_G00_&-redoLog=false

[4] Ibid.

Comments

[Stephen Epstein]

Love it!!!!

Epstein

[Paige]

Thank you, Stephen! I really appreciate that and hope you are well.