Martini Rescue Squad

Interview Strategy, Part I of III

You are dressed to kill and have done your research; you know this person’s background and how you might be a fit for this opening– a value added proposition.

You’ve studied your options and this is the most appealing – maybe just for right now, or this option may be everything you know you want.

You are ready – prepared to leave with sufficient time to get there, no matter how bad the traffic or fluky weather.

You have polished your elevator speech; in 30 seconds or less, you can illustrate who you are, how you are special and why you are the most appropriate candidate.

You also have a few passable responses to any questions about the gaps in your record.

You even have some questions formulated to convey that you were paying attention to your phone conversation, that preliminary interview.

And thus you arrive at the date. And the man is nothing like who you thought he would be.

This is the moment you realize that job searches and dating are amazingly similar, from your own internal preparations to the interviews, contract negotiations and commitment.

(To be continued next week...)

Boxer/Chihuahua Mix

This pretty girl is a Boxer/Chihuahua mix. One word comes to mind: Ouch

Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance 

I hope you dance
I hope you dance[1]

 

That is Lee Ann Womack’s first verse in her song, “I Hope You Dance.”[2]  Reread it.  Do you remember the first time you heard it?  Of whom does it remind you?

If you answered your mother, you are like me.  Incredibly lucky.

Those words right there are everything I have ever learned love means; giving the best of yourself to someone to help them become the best they can become – not just in the abstract clichés, but in life’s details.  Wanting them to take off and go their own way fearlessly, but carefully.

I heard that song a few weeks ago while in the pet store to get some kibble and biscuits for my dogs.  For a California Girl, certain country songs have had a huge impact.  The lyrics always get me.

In the store, I flashed back to the first time I remember hearing this song – on the country station in Los Angeles, in the car, while pulling into the airport to fly away.  I was 22 and had been home for a week or so for vacation.  It had been a good week, but not necessarily a smooth one.

My mother and I did not really have a lot of friction between us until I was about 18 years old.  The specifics don’t really matter.  Everyone’s are different, but most ladies I know and their mother both had growing pains as those ladies became women.  I’m not sure who my growth hurt more.

As we pulled into the airport that morning, neither of us was talking.  Neither of us had anything to say at that moment and I vaguely recall being upset about something.

Then I started listening to the lyrics above.  Silently I started rolling them around in my mind and realized, although my life did not yet have much texture or consistency, I could count on my mother’s love being like that song.

Tears overcame me as I got my things together.  I hugged my mother as the porter threw my bag on the conveyor belt and said thank you.

That recent morning in the pet store, I was at the store right about the time they opened.  There was only one other shopper in there at that time, so it was very quiet.

I’ve heard “I Hope You Dance”[3] many times since that morning 11 years ago on the way to the airport, but I had not listened to the lyrics in a while.  In that time, my life has been good, very good, but sometimes hard, sometimes frightening, sometimes lonely.

The last 11 years have painted by numbers and filled with color all of the spaces in my life experience that song could only outline.  I felt my eyes start to sting just as they do the moment I start to cry.  That song is truer now than it was when I was much younger and much more naïve.

Has anyone ever paid you a loaded compliment, “Sometimes you seem like a woman…and others, you have this childlike awe and enthusiasm?”  Right.

Have you always been blessed to know you would always have food to eat and a roof over your head, but felt more anxiety about it than complacency?

Have you ever been broken hearted to the point you’ve cried yourself breathless at least daily for a couple of weeks straight?

But have you always tried to keep some perspective that your problems are not that big, nor are your successes the first or best anyone has ever achieved?

If you slow down and exhale, hasn’t everything that has seemed grave or final opened to you new possibilities?

And when faith in anything, especially yourself, has started to seem like an ideal you could not afford, hasn’t life smacked you in the face with its tangible power?

Our mothers taught us well.

I’ve not always wanted to give my mother credit for too much.  We have almost always been close, but sometimes too close for comfort and the only way to have some air seemed to be pushing her away as far and hard as I could; the greater the contrast I could draw between us, the happier I was.

But then a couple of years ago, my friend, Sweet Coco, made a remark while I was feeding my dogs.  “You’re going to be a very good mother,” she said.

"Where did that come from?!” I asked, laughing.

"I teach a lot of kids and I see the way you treat your dogs.  I can tell you are going to make a great mom.”

Coco was not trying to say dogs and human children are the same.  Neither of us is a crazy dog lady quite like that - both of us cringe when we see adults infantilize their pets.

Only Coco knows exactly what she saw and what that represented to her, but the only thing I could guess is she observed something in the way I care for my dogs that signifies to her “good mother.”

The only person from whom I could have learned that nurturing is from mine.

In the pet store the other morning, Lee Ann Womack, the car trip to the airport, Sweet Coco and my dogs poked the back of my eyes with their tiny, sweetly stinging spears and I cried in gratitude.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth making.

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance[4]

---

[1]Sanders, Mark D. and Sillers, Tia.  (2000).  I Hope You Dance [Recorded by Lee Ann Womack].  Nashville, TN:  MCA Nashville Records.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

Classic Art, Part I of II

Any guesses what this drawing depicts?

 

You are close, I am sure - But, to clarify, this is my toddler cousin's drawing of a "Dragon Dancing in a Purple Tutu."  Beautiful.

 

 

My Valentine's Funny

This last week I was in the Midwest, researching to prepare for my next book project proposal.  Very exciting. This required me to spend several hours at my grandmother, Big Nance's, house, looking through almost every cabinet, closet and drawer.  In the process, I found some pretty incredible historic treasures.

For Valentine’s Day, the one that caught my eye was a newspaper clipping entitled “Handkerchief Flirtations.”  It is a list of over 50 gestures a lady should understand to convey some very specific, sensitive things.

When I Googled the title to find its publication date, a handkerchief enthusiasts' website cites the Brooklyn Daily Standard Union in February 1871 as the source.  I am not sure if Big Nance’s copy is the original or a reproduction.  For laughs, here are the top 25:

1. Drawing across the lips--Desirous of acquaintance
2. Drawing across the eyes--I am sorry
3. Taking by the centre--You are too willing
4. Dropping--We will be friends
5. Twisting in both hands—Indifference
6. Drawing across the cheek--I love you
7. Drawing across the hand--I hate you
8. Letting it rest on the right cheek—Yes
9. Letting it rest on the left cheek—No
10. Twirling it in the left hand--I wish to be rid of you
11. Twirling it in right hand--I love another
12. Folding it--I wish to speak with you
13. Over the shoulder--Follow me
14. Opposite corners in both hands--Wait for me
15. Placing on right ear--You have changed
16. Placing on left ear--I have a message for you
17. Letting it rest on the right eye--You are cruel
18. inding around forefinger--I am engaged
19. Winding around third finger--I am married
20. Winding around the thumb – I am not married
21. Winding around the wrist – You are looking well
22. Winding around the right hand finger – I waited for you
23. Winding around the left hand finger – I would not come
24. Tear it (pretending to tear) – I am driven to despair (No kidding!)

And, finally:

25.  Putting it in the pocket--No more at present

Whew, Ladies!  How do you like them apples?

A few things come to mind right now and one of them is, how many people do you know who would actually take the time to learn this code?  And how many men would pay enough attention to pick up on those signals?

That’s not a man/woman attention span joke, it’s a common sense question.

How difficult did this code make the dating scene for men and women with right-left orientation issues?  Yikes.

Finally, how far we have come when we can express all of those things, many of them simultaneously, by leaving our business card, texting on our mobile or just coming right out and saying them?

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.

Prince Valliant's Dating Website Tutorial

As far as I am concerned, your chances of making a quality connection on a dating website are statistically much stronger than they could be in your traditional ways of meeting someone.  Yes, the dork in me really wants to conduct a study into the mathematical correlations, but let’s break it down to the simplest principle at play here – merchandising.   Pure merchandising.

This applies to all of us, no matter how naturally gorgeous, extraordinarily intelligent, charmingly quick-witted and profoundly interesting we may be.  This is one of the things I was trying to explain to my dear friend, who we will call Prince Valliant.

PV is a catch; he’s kind, handsome, clever, hard-working, successful and a ton of fun.  And recently, he found himself single and back out in the Killing Fields after a very long-term relationship.  As he ventured into the dating website realm, he asked for a quick tutorial.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, this tutorial may prove useful for the men we know – just as could these same ideas when tweaked for us.

Whereas in a bar, two people can read each other’s signals and play off of them – each to their own strategic advantage – in an effort to convey the desired image or evoke the desired sentiment, on  a website, that one crucial element is missing, i.e. the other person.

All you can do is draw from your own empirical evidence, your dating experience, and merchandise yourself accordingly.  It’s all in the packaging and presentation.

Your values, your priorities, your talent with expressing yourself, your sense of humor and, lastly, but let’s be honest, your appearance.

Those things permeate your profile, from your written words to your photographs to your approach toward that first date.  In the obvious and less obvious ways.  You can never predict exactly what impression you will make on everyone, but here are some general tips toward putting yourself out there

• Written content
  • Be as brief or as verbose as you wish – don’t shoot for quantity, shoot for quality
    • If you can be funny and maintain interest, write two whole pages
      • If you go for length, chop it into visually bite-size pieces; four-sentence paragraphs TOPS
    • If you think you make a much better impression in person, i.e. you written profile may not be as funny or charming as you think, less can be more. 
      • Stay concise, imply there is more to you than just a profile.
    •  Please, please avoid the "How do I describe myself in 2,000 words?" intro. 
      • Please.
  • However, make it as long as you need to get your point across and to reveal your true colors…no empty words.
  • Do not resort to digital short hand.  Unless u want 2 date a 14 year-old.  LOL.
  • If you want to mention your deal breakers or wish list, be as specific as you want, but don’t be mean.
    • For wish list, if you want to be specific, be funny about it, e.g., “Seeing you walk into the room has to take my breath away.  That, and I’m asthmatic.”
    • Do not be too specific, as if you want a Stepford Wife.  Or your ex-girlfriend who magically fits all of those criteria.  And over whom you may not quite be.
  • For deal breakers, but don’t do it in a mocking way, or you will seem like a jerk - Again, If you can, make them funny.
    • The “I know my expectations are high, but I'm willing to wait for the lady I want.  And besides, you might be a better fit for my friend, Bill.  I owe him one” approach is charming, but only when the rest of your profile can back up that humor
    • The “If you need a guy to hold a door for you, if you can’t go out without your designer sunglasses and if you get jealous every time I talk to another girl…” approach indicates issues. 
      • Huge get-six-months-of-therapy-and-call-me-never issues.
  • Don’t start every sentence with “I.”
    • I want…, I have..., I buy…, I’m looking for…, I vacation in…, I’m on track for… = “Are you my mommy?”
  • Don’t imply you have money or a successful job.
    • Leave income blank       
      • Question that information when people provide it.
    • Don’t refer to your work in your bio, unless in a vague, open-ended way, e.g. “I’ve got a job that keeps me really busy, but it’s rewarding and I enjoy it.”
  • DO NOT articulate your own incredulity about being on the site; “I can’t believe it’s come to this,” or “If we hit it off and anyone asks, we met through mutual friends…,” or “I never thought it would get this bad out there.”
    • Get over it.
  • You can write that you are looking for a great lady, but don’t go overboard about how your life lacks anything without one.
    • Or that you have everything you want in life, but a lady with whom to share it.   Begs waaaay too many questions.
• Pictures - *Guys, it’s the first thing at which a normal lady looks, just as it’s the first thing you check out on her profile.  It’s very important to provide the right balance. 
  • Pick ones in which you look natural, not so posed.
    • Good idea: With buddies after a baseball game, with your uniforms and hair a mess, but looking confident and happy. Very good.  Conveys confidence and vitality.
    • Bad idea: You on the phone at an immaculate desk without any paperwork on it or a single wrinkle in your suit, staring off at an angle and looking powerful.  Seriously?
      • Who in the world has a completely clean desk?
  • Pick a variety, not more than about 10-12 – five min.
    • At least one of you looking nice, scrubbed up – suit, tux whatever – but nothing that implies you’re Trump.  Unless you’re Trump.
    • One of you in casual, but good-looking clothes – jeans and t with flip-flops
      • No pro athletes’ jerseys!
      • No tank tops/wife beaters.  Unless you’re a male model.  See below.
  • Body shots - Sure, show off your body, but don’t do a meathead muscle man glam shot
    • Good idea:  After a 5K for charity
    • Bad idea: You doing yoga poses in the desert, in sepia tone
    • Wow: You, shirtless and wearing jean cut-offs, sprawled on the hood of a Trans-Am.  Even if you are a male, ahem, model. 
      • Scary, but true.
  • Show pictures of you with fun, good-looking people laughing, enjoying time with you.
    • Yes, do show pictures of you at a party, on hikes with coed groups of friends or tasteful pictures with other girls – a couple of them.  You don’t have to be alone with them.
      • Approach advisedly
  • Self portraits
    • No self-portraits where you can actually see your arm extending between your body and the camera
    • No mirror shots with you making a Blue Steel face.
      • If you must resort to a mirror shot, make it funny.
  • No pictures with children or babies unless you are their father.
    • If you have children, disclose that
    • If you mark that you don’t have children and don’t mention  how much you love your sister’s great kids -  but still have lots of pictures with you and small children - know that would scare most sensible women.
• Approach to the first date:

  • Don’t jump straight into inviting for coffee until you have e-mailed, then spoken on the phone.

    • Build desire and anticipation – do not ask her out right away

    • Winking is an OK icebreaker, although it seems lame.  It’s the simplest, least commital barometer for interest.   

    • E-mailing is better – pick up on something they wrote on their profile, then send them something brief and genuine.

      • Be funny or romantic, but not obsequious
      • One successful, very stealth tactic is to point out how a couple of their standards disqualify you, but think they are cute and still want to hang out anyway and see where it goes - but be sure the disqualifiers are peripheral, i.e. not values-related. 
  • Do not write something like, “If you think you could be into me, e-mail me back” – assume of course she’ll be into you
    • Instead, I suggest something that asks her a question.  If she’s into you, she’ll reply. 
  • Please avoid using too many exclamation points and parentheses – avoid the latter altogether, if you can.
  • No emoticons.  Please.  Again, not unless you want to date a 14 year-old, in which case, you should not be on a dating site.
  • For the first date, you can leave it open-ended or schedule it between commitments, depending on the vibe you get from the lady
    • If you enjoy talking to her and think it could be fun to spend more time with her, leave it open ended.
      • Good idea: meet at a café in a popular area with lots of people and diversion, in case the conversation lacks
        • If the date goes well, you can walk to a restaurant nearby for lunch or dinner
        • If the date is not so great, something you see can conveniently remind you of that thing you promised your buddy you’d pick up for him.  Before the store closes in 20 minutes.
      • Bad idea: a hike in a deep forest or on a secluded beach, miles away from traffic and anyone who could possibly rescue her if you're perhaps a bit psychotic.
    • If you are a busy person, or think it would keep things interesting to be a little less available, schedule that first coffee between commitments
      • Good idea: meet her for coffee or lunch on a Saturday, after your sister’s kids’ talent show and before baseball with your buddies.  The league championships.
      • Bad idea: roll in 20 minutes late, do not take off your sunglasses, imply you’re late, because last night was just cra-hay-hazy – oh, and you have to leave early, because you’re meeting this hot girl from your gym for a drink after this date with her.
• Be yourself and have fun.