The reality is, by the time we hit our twenties and thirties, we have all dumped and been dumped at least a couple of times. Either explicitly, by implication or by the classic disappearing act. Very subtle. However it happens, it’s not fun. For either party.
We are cruising along in a relationship/courtship/whatever-you-call-it and, out of nowhere, we terminate or our beau terminates the whole progression; we speak or hear the verbal signs that in 30 seconds, tomorrow or two weeks from now, this relationship is going to implode.
I know – I’m still a little grumpy/snarky from last week. Let me be and keep reading. Please.
However obvious that imminence may have been to the dumper or the dumpee – whichever one we were - there are a few rhetorical tactics that deserve commendation. They vary in style and each deserves recognition for how they intelligently, pseudo-selflessly or insidiously cue Plan B. Here are my top 10 favorite such orations:
- “I can’t wait to get into your head and see what makes you tick.”
- “Define ‘exclusive.’” (See #9).
- “You know that trip I have to take for a few weeks? I would be mad at myself for denying you the opportunity to explore your other options while I am away.”
- “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
- “You deserve the best. I want to make sure you are with someone who values you as much as you value them.”
- “Remember my ex?” (Sidebar: You mean the one you call “psycho,” “needy” and “co-dependent,” and who has “abandonment issues”?) “I am afraid this is going to end up as history repeating itself.”
- “My buddy told me this crazy story about his break-up with that girl he was seeing and it got me thinking...”
- “I am sorry I have to leave right now (i.e. in the middle of this unprecedented moment of closeness), but I promise, there will be plenty of opportunities for this later.”
- “Do you remember what you always said your grandmother used to say? ‘It’s wise to compromise?’...Well, how about we take a look at ‘exclusive,’ as you define it.”
- *My all-time favorite – “You are a great girl and I have the best time with you, but...”
Oooohhh...that felt good. For all of us, I hope.
Thank you. I’ll be over it by next week. Or at least, I will have it in a rational little box.
We’ve all been hurt and disappointed - and have hurt and disappointed others - at some point. Unintentionally as it may have been. And if we can’t sympathetically/slightly snarkily laugh about it, about having been on both sides, then what is our alternative?
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