The cheeseburger. The muse and undoing of many a modern-day tragic hero; Homer Simpson, Jimmy Buffett, Matt Damon...this culinary Helen of Troy gets a very bad rap. Unduly so.
This poor beaten and abused delicacy that has been vilified as the symbol of gluttony, the slow and gradual killer hiding behind the Golden Arches, nay, the source of all that is wrong with the American family.
I think it’s time we stand up for the cheeseburger – stand up for its simplicity, its intelligence, its efficiency and yes, oh yes, its flavor.
Before we go any further, by “cheeseburger,” I mean a meal consisting of a meat patty with real cheese that came from cows, perched on a bun made from grains - add tomatoes, greens and condiments to your liking.
Got it.
Let’s visualize this – you are on a date, or you are out with some friends after work. You’re happy, but tired. The menu comes...hmm...what to have?
You can have the salad, to which you have to add all sorts of fattening things to make them moderately satisfying. Some of which will inevitably end in your lap, despite your deft slicing and stacking on your dainty little fork.
You can have the pasta, which is another production to get into your mouth somewhat gracefully and ooh...the carbs. And garlic. I think it actually makes a kathunk sound when it arrives in your stomach.
You can have the fish, which is probably over priced and, well fishy. Or the chicken, which you eat for almost every meal featuring meat – unless you go for the turkey, but the tryptophan could kick in at any point and game over. No more cute, flirty evening.
Or, finally, your eye catches the cheeseburger. The grilled panacea that allows you to check off all of your food groups in one dish. A dish that does not require utensils, unless you prefer to slice it in half before eating it. A dish that you can eat with your hands, all as one unit.
This is very clever, because frankly, the beef is probably not much lower quality than the steak, but it is considerably easier to eat and perhaps half the price. Furthermore, you have more latitude to have fun with it.
Would you put mayo, relish or mustard on a steak? Probably not.
Would you put all of that plus any other creative topping you fancy, thus creating your own van Gogh-like masterpiece, on a cheeseburger? Bien sur!
Moreover, it does not take a significant amount of time to prepare. Or to eat. No maneuvering with your knife and fork to avoid the gristle, or finding the meat so tough you send your knife careening to the adjacent table in your attempt to conquer the beast.
No. None of this is necessary with the gorgeous, hot, beefy perfection on your plate. And it requires a lot less plate, therefore conserves space on the table top for other useful things, like your antioxidant-rich glass of red wine.
Very few bad days can withstand the healing magic in a glass of red wine and a cheeseburger. Come to Mama.
There are some spoilsports who try to tell you red meat is e-v-i-l evil. A prominent article in a prominent paper proclaims, “All red meat is bad for you, new study says.”[1]
It cites doctors, studies, editorials, etc...but I quite like this input, well toward the bottom of the article, thank you, from a certain doctor at USC’s Keck School of Medicine, who “cautioned that it can be hard to draw specific conclusions from a study like this because there can be a lot of error in the way diet information is recorded in food frequency questionnaires, which ask subjects to remember past meals in sometimes grueling detail.”[2]
Well played, Doctor. Well played.
If you want to get right down the specific measurements, a serving of tofu is no angel compared to ground beef.[3]
How many of those study’s subjects confessed their tofu intake while besmirching our sacred sandwich?
It’s time we free the cheeseburger. Time we celebrate this inventive, nutritious, cost-effective, logistically sound and delicious creation. Time to liberate this muse from its tragedy.
[1]Brown, E. (2012, March 12). “All red meat is bad for you, new study says.” Los Angeles Times. Retrieved from: http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-red-meat-20120313,0,565423.story
Here, Here Miss Paigey - thanks for this celebrative missive condoning this epic, though thoroughly pedestrian sandwich that awaited Henry Ford II every day in his private lunch room, Wimpy bought on credit, and Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau found just too gorgeous to try to ever say correctly. If you're ever short on recipes let me know - they are manna around here.
Posted by: Chris Yaw | Mar 14, 2012 at 05:42 AM
Thank you, Chris! I love your high culture historical references - and yes, if you have a winning recipe, please send your favorite. I would be honored. My best to you and your family!
Posted by: Paige | Mar 14, 2012 at 08:51 AM