"Loved this blog! As a single man in my thirties this really touched me, it's what I am going through myself, thank you Ms.Nesbitt, look forward to reading more of you." - M.S.
"Paige I love you and your blog. Just as I am having dinner w/ high school ex tonight, college ex in town next week and contimplating exclusivity w/ current suitor...you appear with this blog. Cheers to singlehood and to you!" - C.
"I finally had a chance to enjoy this- it made me reflect upon my own “lay over” situation of post divorce. Should I move closer to family or not move? Should I buy a house or continue to rent? Should I seek out a new partner or not? And in a blink of an eye, three years have flown by and I realize that sitting at Chilis on an extended layover is not serving me well. So, as a first step I am buying a home. Please tell Paige thank you for the reminder." - K.
"I read your article because my sister thinks I need to learn how to treat women and all I can say is what is Gavin thinking? You are smart and more importantly, hot." - O.
"Location, location, location is the most important variable In real-estate. In relationships, it is timing, timing, timing. Beautiful child, this old Shadkhan has brokered more than condos and knows that the best way to keep The man when he comes along, while keeping your obvious enthusiasm, and your entertaining sense of humor is to develop a bit of mystery, to maintain a bit of wonder, an abundance of faith, abundance and an abundance of passion. Shalom" - H
"As a young widow of nine years, your blog post hit home. Even though I have created a life I finally love again, I often land in similar conversations. I understand people who care about me want me to be happy...but between my salsa dancing, the successful launch of my transitions & grief recovery coaching business and my amazing network of incredible people, I AM happy. There is no missing piece...so thank you for beautifully articulating about the always caring, sometimes humorous, perhaps every so often slightly annoying view by others that we need a partner to be living a whole life! Great job!" - C.B.T.
Posted by Paige at 02:16 PM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: "Here’s what goes on in your brain when you laugh", "independent women", "martini rescue squad", "Paige Nesbitt", Business Insider, single, singleness
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Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201410/let-it-go
Excerpt: "But there's a point where appreciation and analysis of the past become gum on your psychological shoe...You need to do some scraping...Letting go means confronting these invisible emotional barriers...It means challenging irrational, unproductive thinking...it means facing up to your fear and then calling on your courage and your character to face it down..."
Posted by Paige at 03:09 PM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: "independent women", "Judith Sills", "Let It Go!", "martini rescue squad", "Paige Nesbitt", singleness
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This post is dedicated to anyone who has ever checked their email while on the phone, started cleaning their kitchen while boiling their pasta or tried patting their head while rubbing their tummy...i.e. all of us.
Link: http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2014/10/08/multitasking-damages-your-brain-and-career-new-studies-suggest/
Excerpt: "The frequent multitaskers performed worse because they had more trouble organizing their thoughts and filtering out irrelevant information, and they were slower at switching from one task to another. Ouch...Research also shows that, in addition to slowing you down, multitasking lowers your IQ...Multitasking in meetings and other social settings indicates low self- and social-awareness, two emotional intelligence (EQ) skills that are critical to success at work."
Posted by Paige at 01:29 PM in advice, Books, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Dr. Travis Bradberry, independent women, martini rescue squad, multitasking, Paige Nesbitt, singleness
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To share the benefits with you if you want some more information, here are some interesting insights...
(Reference: http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/191602-how-to-watch-tonights-celestially-impossible-blood-moon-lunar-eclipse)
2014:
Total lunar eclipse: April 14-15
Total lunar eclipse: October 7-82015:
Total lunar eclipse: April 4
Total lunar eclipse: September 28...
(Reference: http://earthsky.org/space/what-is-a-blood-moon-lunar-eclipses-2014-2015#tetrad)
(Reference: http://farmersalmanac.com/full-moon-names/)
“This eclipse is a full moon so something is coming from to an ending or culmination,” she explains.
(Reference: http://time.com/3479488/lunar-eclipse-astrologyzone-susan-miller/)
Posted by Paige at 08:46 PM in advice, relationships, Religion, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: blood moon, hunter's moon, independent women, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, singleness
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Try reading this while sitting in your normal work posture and tell me if the bit about kyphosis sounds really familiar to you too...
Link: http://online.wsj.com/articles/how-bad-sitting-posture-at-work-leads-to-bad-standing-posture-all-the-time-1403564767?mod=djem10point
Excerpt: “There's growing evidence that good posture contributes to a range of health benefits, from reducing back and joint pain to boosting mood...It has long been known that depression can lead to a slumped posture. But new evidence suggests the reverse is also true—that slouching can spark negative emotions and thoughts.”
Posted by Paige at 06:48 PM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: "how bad sitting posture at work leads to bad sitting posture all the time", jeanne whalen, martini rescue squad, ndependent women, Paige Nesbitt, posture, single, single women
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Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, relationships, Religion, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Baby Max, independent women, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, Rescue, single, single women
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Link: http://www.yogajournal.com/health/2533
Excerpt: 'When you start laughing, your chemistry changes, your physiology changes, your chances to experience happiness are much greater'
Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Hasya Yoga, independent women, laughter yoga, Madan Kataria, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, Rachele Kanigel, single, single women, The Laughter Cure, William Fry
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To complement "Ungrateful"...
From: http://christinekane.com/why-gratitude-makes-you-happier-and-wealthier/
(In Honor of Thanksgiving.)
Gratitude is about so much more than being thankful. Gratitude is a practice. For some, it is a way of life. Why do some people swear by this practice? Why do those people live happier and more abundant lives than everyone else?
- Because gratitude is about presence.
Gratitude is about waking up in this moment and being here – really being here – and noticing what’s around you. Most people are so busy thinking about the next thing, or their horrid past, that they don’t wake up and look around at their present moment — the only moment there is.
- Because gratitude is about honoring your life.
Do you ever compare your life with someone else’s? Do you ever wish your life were better and more like another’s? Sometimes we can lose ourselves in wondering how we “measure up” to some standard set by someone else or by the media or by our parents. My belief is this: Comparison is the mind killer. And the antidote is gratitude.
Gratitude requires you to validate your own life. (And you really don’t have any other life, do you?) It forces you say YES to the gift that is you. The choices you’ve made, the changes you’ve gone through, the track you’re on — all of those have brought you here. Even if here is a place that needs a little adjustment, that’s okay. There are always gifts in any present moment.
- Because gratitude is about attracting.
It’s difficult to attract abundance and joy if you are saying “no” to what IS. You say no each time you focus too much on the future or past, or when you criticize something that is in your present moment. When you say yes, you shift. Attraction is about “yes.”
Gratitude says, “Yes, I love this!” And then more of this is attracted, because the this is what you’re focusing on.
- Because gratitude is about choice.
How you translate any situation is the situation. What you choose to see is the truth (for you). This isn’t proposing that you live in denial or phoniness. It’s reminding you that your translation of any life situation is your own choice. Over and over we’ve all heard stories of people who have ignored others’ translations of their talent, their projects, their art, their looks, their lives. These people chose their own translations and succeeded. You always have a choice when it comes to how you look at things. Choose to choose gratitude.
- Because gratitude is about wisdom.
I think people believe they’re being smart if they criticize, complain, and focus on the problems of the world around them. Smart? Maybe. Clever? Sure. But not wise. It is wise to look for and find the knowing place in your heart. It is wise to choose joy. It is wise to honor your riches. It is wise to focus on and grow the blessings of your life.
- Because gratitude is about recognition.
Use your power of focus to hone in on the beauty and on what makes your heart smile or sing. Recognize the spirit in your life. It’s all around you waiting to be noticed. In the words of Franz Kafka, “It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”
- Because gratitude is about receptivity.
Gratitude makes you receptive. It makes you concave. It makes you a vessel, waiting to be filled.
I carry a small notebook with me everywhere I go. In it, I write down song ideas as I hear them. I write down quotes I hear. I write down ideas for stage stories. As I do that, I become more receptive, and more ideas and songs come to me. It’s a tool that says to my subconscious, “Send more my way!” And the subconscious always responds.
Gratitude is the same way. It says, “I am receptive! Send more!” And more arrives.
- Because gratitude is about creativity.
Creativity is really all about attention. When I write a song, I build a relationship with that song. I spend time with it. I get to know it. I pay attention to it. Artists do the same thing with drawings. They spend time in rapt attention and the drawing is born.
Gratitude is the same way. It is a creative act to notice and pay attention to the moments of your life. Some days it’s an enormous act of creativity to even find things for which to be thankful.
Be creative. Be present. Be receptive. Be wise. Be wealthy. Be grateful.
Posted by Paige at 12:00 PM in advice, Film, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: christine kane, gratitude, holidays, independent women, law of attraction, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, single, single women, singleness
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[1] Gross, T. (2013, August 15). Of Neurons And Memories: Inside The 'Secret World Of Sleep' [Interview]. Retrieved from: http://www.npr.org/2013/08/15/212276021/of-neurons-and-memories-inside-the-secret-world-of-sleep?sc=tw.
[2] Ibid.
Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, Books, relationships, Science, Sports, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: 'Secret World Of Sleep', Fresh Air, independent women, martini rescue squad, NPR, Paige Nesbitt, Penelope Lewis, single, single women, singleness, Terry Gross
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Posted by Paige at 03:00 AM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: independent women, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, single, single women
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[1] Smalley, S.L. & Winston, D. (2010). Fully Present, The Science, Art and Practice of Mindfulness. New York: Da Capo Press.
Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Diana Winston, dreams, Fully Present, happy, independent women, martini rescue squad, Paige Nesbitt, pragmatism, single, single women, Susan L. Smalley, thirties, twenties
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[1]Brown, E. (2012, March 12). “All red meat is bad for you, new study says.” Los Angeles Times. Retrieved from: http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-red-meat-20120313,0,565423.story
Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, Current Affairs, Food and Drink, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (2)
Tags: cheeseburger, happy, Helen of Troy, Homer Simpson, independent women, JImmy Buffett, martini rescue squad, Matt Damon, Paige Nesbitt, single women, thirties, twenties
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Take a look at this story with input from UCLA Neurosurgery. Please keep Congresswoman Giffords and her family, and all other victims from the Arizona assassination attempt, in your thoughts and prayers.
Dr. Neil Martin is one of the doctors who saved my life 15 years ago:
Posted by Paige at 07:17 PM in advice, Current Affairs, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Dr. Neil Martin, martini rescue squad, paige nesbitt, single women, thirties, twenties, UCLA Neurosurgery
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Few things have made me angrier than the words “Defensive Pessimism.” I was en route to an alumni mixer for my college and tuned into my favorite news radio station for the ride – to catch up on anything important I had missed in the world events during the day – and I became furious. The guest on the talk show sounded oh so erudite explaining Defensive Pessimism as though it were the greatest thing since psychological sliced bread.
As its experts define, Defensive Pessimism is an anxiety-management strategy whose practitioners “expect the worst and spend lots of time and energy mentally rehearsing, in vivid, daunting detail, exactly how things might go wrong.”[1]
The examples the author gives include worrying before a business presentation that “the PowerPoint might fail, that the microphone will go dead, that – worst of all – they will stare out at the audience and go blank”[2] or “Before a dinner party, (Defensive Pessimists) imagine that the new neighbors will clash with the old and the sushi will give everyone food poisoning.”[3]
Sounds healthy, right?
If you hear about it on the radio or anywhere else and it resonates with popular models that expecting the worst is a sensible approach to life, don’t get too comfortable with that interpretation. I picked up a book on the topic by one of its experts and have to tell you this author is an optimist in denial. She just packages it under a misnomer.
I think most of us will agree Optimistic Realism is a better way to go. More on that later.
This author continues, “Defensive Pessimism is a strategy that helps us work through our anxious thoughts rather than denying them, so that we may achieve our goals.”[4]
This only makes sense based on the premise that optimists, or Strategic Optimists as she calls them, are not strategic at all. Instead, she portrays them as happy-go-lucky, unrealistic and narcissistic airheads who don’t really plan for things or make provisions for things going awry; their strategy is simply to trust that we should “Relax – It’ll all work out.”[5]
I’d rather consider this Defensive Pessimism/Strategic Optimism issue a common sense debate. Per the Defensive Pessimism doctrine, you should convince yourself the worst case scenario is going to happen.
The most likely outcome, after repeatedly implementing this strategy, is that your results become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are therefore glad with anything better than the worst possible result; you bargain down your expectations to the very least satisfying/saddest/most tragic outcome so reality has no place to go but up.
Guess what? That’s about the least emotionally competent, counterproductive, most-destined-to-failure strategy I have ever heard.
The author only makes passing reference to how that is not what she means. That Defensive Pessimists have the fortitude to keep chugging past all of that doubt and succeed.
What happens when you have reduced your paradigm so far that the result surpasses expectation and then, in time, you realize you could have had much better? You wanted, were willing to work for and probably deserved much more. Great. What do you do then?
Whatever happened to setting a goal, considering the strategies, the risks and benefits of each – and then once you are satisfied you have done the appropriate prep work, proceeding with faith that all will go well. And if it doesn’t you have the pieces in place to deal with it properly? That is what I referenced above, Optimistic Realism.
If you have not read Jim Collins’ Good to Great, I suggest you do so ASAP. Boiling one of it’s bigger messages down to its essence, Collins suggests facing the bald facts, the likely outcomes, the worst things that could happen – and holding steadfast onto the belief that the best can happen if you commit yourself to it and take rational action to pursue it. Not convincing yourself the worst is likely to happen and trying to capitalize on your anxiety to avoid it.
Think about this in your life’s context. If you need some help and recall my 15 Years Ago series over the last two weeks, let’s frame it thusly; if my doctors, family or friends had believed the medical precedent for head trauma cases like mine, they would not have done as much as they did to save me.
If most medical professionals made it habit to expect the worst will happen on the chance that could drive them to outperform, it’s not likely any of us would have some incredible, inspiring stories.
If most of us had bargained ourselves down to the most likely worst case scenario to relieve any anxiety we may have felt about our likelihood to achieve what we really want, many of us would not be happy, functional adults.
Toward the beginning of college, I recall the first time I heard the “Have a Little Faith in Me” song in a long time. I started crying uncontrollably. Sure, the song about a romantic relationship, but let’s look at the lyrics:
And when your back’s against the wall … I will hold you up, I will hold you up If that’s what we want in a relationship someday, then let that be so. However, let’s apply it to our relationship with ourselves.
At the moment I reheard that song, I was 18, remembered myself before the accident as an accomplished student, a relatively secure, lovable person and I trusted myself. After the accident, I did not feel any connection to that person. I felt awkward, needy and incompetent. I felt a genuine anxiety I would never return to someone I could trust or respect.
At that point, it seemed a heck of a lot easier to convince myself I would be happy redefining my goals and reframing my whole success paradigm based on the most likely outcome. Although my situational specifics are different from yours, I am sure all of us have hit a low like that at some point.
During those times, convincing ourselves our worst fears were going to happen and using that anxiety to propel us was not an option. We were not yet strong enough to do so. Maybe that is not our style anyway. Not for most of us.
And then I heard that song. And then I felt the hot, syrupy tears stream down my face.
How the hell do I dare pretend for one minute that I will be happy expecting anything less than a full recovery?
How the hell do any of us risk expecting the worst in order to generate the energy to make the responsible, common sense provisions we should make anyway? How do we justify bargaining down our expectations without realizing that approach may eventually convince us the worst is all we deserve?
If all of society did that, we would all be temporarily comfortable, but largely unsatisfied people. Wouldn’t we all live semi-contented lives as we continued building our own fear of failure to rationalize not taking any risks?
Let’s get granular: you would not have made the team, gotten the part, gotten into that college or out of that relationship, gotten the job, overcome that challenge or, frankly, believed in yourself at any point in your life when that faith in yourself was the precise determining factor from which all success in the situation flowed. To hell with worst case scenarios.
While it might be easier for some people to convince themselves they could be happy always expecting the least favorable outcome, none of us have ever accomplished anything extraordinary by buying into that.
The very psychology experts who coined the term “Defensive Pessimism” would not have had the outrageous audacity to propagate the idea that mentality is healthy if they did not believe they could achieve an unlikely success by marketing it. To boast their view is “contrarian.”
I’d prefer to call them Tasteless Opportunists; they have come up with a tacky, self-defeating idea, they expound upon it at a time when the economy looks bleak and they throw their educational credentials behind it to add some false credence. Good luck to them in the karma department.
I’d much rather find myself driven by anxiety from the likely, battled by an earnest desire to achieve and belief that’s exactly what I will do than commit myself to expect the worst in order to protect myself from being disappointed.
And shame on the professionals who would ever profess that’s healthier than always stoking faith in yourself to work toward and deserve what you honestly want.
What a shameful waste it would be to settle for something that’s even a fraction of what we want to avoid the fear that we are not likely to achieve any more than that.
As the author writes at the end of the book, “Defensive Pessimists do, however, risk getting stuck in the forest if they can’t make the transition from focusing on bad things that might happen to focusing on how to prevent those things from happening,”[2] which is exactly what is most likely to happen if we always expect the worst.
“They need to be able to look up and follow the path. They may also fail to see the beauty of the forest if all they think about and remember is their worry about tripping over branches.”[3]
Sounds to me like Optimistic Realism.
And when your secret heart Have a little faith in me [1] Norem, Julie K., Ph.D. (2001). The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, p. 1. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books.
[2] Ibid, p. 2. [3] Ibid. [4] Ibid, p. 3. [5] Ibid, p. 2. [6] Hiatt, John. (1987). Have a Little Faith in Me. Santa Monica, CA: Universal Music Publishing Group. [7] Norem, Julie K., Ph.D. (2001). The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, p. 195. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books. [8] Ibid. [9] Hiatt, John. (1987). Have a Little Faith in MeSanta Monica, CA: Universal Music Publishing Group.
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch you, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me.
And your love, gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darling, from a whisper start
And have a little faith in me
And when your back’s against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch you, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me[9]
Posted by Paige at 12:00 AM in advice, Books, relationships, Science, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (2)
Tags: collins, good to great, happy, healthy, independent, julie, martini, nesbitt, norem, paige, single
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